So I'm sitting here like a giant pussy. Seriously, I think you might need to come check and make sure I dint have a vajayjay, since on my day off, I watched dear John and now I'm a sappy mess.
I figured I should start writing some stuff down here, since we both know I'm not the best about talking about my feelings, but I figure that maybe it'll be easier to do that here.
Let's face it, I can really be a dick. I'd like to think that this job made me that way, but thats probably not true. I've talked to you more like a best friend that's a girl, and not as a girlfriend, but I really see you as both.
I am absolutely going to change the way I treat you for the better. Not that there's things that I can't tell you, but maybe I should just phrase them or approach them differently, or not at all. I can tell that I really pissed you off on the phone the other night even when that wasn't my intention. But after thinking about it I could totally see it how you did and I felt like a complete dipshit.
I'm sure that I'm not the best person you've dated, but I want to be THAT guy (in a good way, of course). You deserve it, and I want to be that for you.
I've also got some major abandonment issues (see family and past relationships) that I'm still dealing with. I'd never forgive myself to losing you to my biggest enemy, my retarded big mouth. Everyone says I'm smart, but then I'm the dumbest smart guy I know for saying the shit I do.
I'll be honest, when I don't hear from you for any extended period of time, I worry. Not because I don't trust you (I am over that, especially since you were able to talk to me about it), but because I know that you can do SO much better, and they'd be there all the time.
As far as the ex thing, there's a reason she's an ex. I'm not saying I've been an angel, or that I want to be, but I've never been with someone who just gets me, even if what they get they don't necessarily like. You see right through all of the childish bullshit I pull sometimes. You can finish my sentences and know what I'm doing before I can finish. I'm sure you think at some point that I'm just another guy, sex crazed, chauvanistic asshole. I bury my emotions down so deep that I try to be numb all the time. I don't want to be that guy anymore, especially to you. And even though you don't see it, when I know you're mad at me, it hurts. I perk up when you call and smile at the sound of your voice. I stay up way too late to talk to you about nothing in particular because I care. When it think about being without you, I want to cry. All of these things happen more than you think. I'm totally excited and absolutely terrified to have you out here, since you'll be here but I think I'm going to fuck it up.
Though I'll be letting you see this, I don't expect it to influence you either way. But since you allowed me to peer into your thoughts (however briefly), I think you deserve at least as much.
I love you more than you can know, and more than I've shown. And I miss you twice as much.
