And I'm an idiot.

So I called. I know I shouldn't have, I hung the phone up after the first ring. I need to stop thinking short term. I need to start thinking about what's best for both of us in the long term, and let her let this go. I know she thinks I don't care about her anymore, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. But I can't tell her that because then she'll never let go. I had a dream last night, which is surprising since I havent slept much. It wasn't about her per se, but in a kind of abstract way I guess it was. It was somewhere up north, in winter. Doing things I'd probably never do like hunting and living in a log cabin. Talking to people (none that I'd recognize from my life, which was kinda weird). Nothing really happened in the dream, but I do remember a conversation to someone about her. And during that conversation the barren, bleak winter landscape didn't look so bad. I think it was the only point where I may have smiled? Was almost late to work today again. I haven't eaten meal since her birthday. Got her text this am asking if I had called. I know now she probably hates me. If she doesn't then her parents def do, and her friends too. At least she's surrounded by them... All I've got is a couple of cats. Dave said he saw on fb and asked if it was just drama...I told him it wasn't. He looked...sorry for me? He never did that when we lived together...save when I told him why I went on emergency leave. This is what will make it easier for her...to be surrounded by people she loves telling her how horrible I am. She'll resist it at first, but then she'll start believing it. Even though I know this is for the best it doesn't make it any easier. Do I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her? Sure, but I'm too big of a pussy. The damage is done.

With or without you.

so its been 24 hours since i got home from dropping amanda off at the airport. numb is the closest approximation to what i feel. changed Facebook relationship status, unfriended her. she texted me before her flight left apologizing for taking the money i said i would give her when she left. i had moved it so she would've at least asked me for it. i was mad for a little while, not that she had taken it, just about everything...i didn't even say goodbye before i left, just walked away. had the chance to say goodbye but didn't, where 9 months ago i was angry i didn't have a chance... maybe she thinks i really don't care. this house feels so empty without her here...its been quiet all day, the cats are acting weird. i wonder when the neighbors are going to start asking where she is, thats not a discussion i want to have. I'm going to have to call her at some point to have her contact the rental office to have her name taken off of the lease, if only to save the utility money. while it was strange and depressing here at home, at the same time...there is no tension. not expecting a billion questions that i can't answer when i get home, not waiting for her to freak out about something new. her theory about what is wrong with me was gnawing at me. i looked it up, and by her perspective, i would say she's right. but psychological diagnoses are kinda bs, since 99% of the population could be diagnosed with something. my silence is because i know that i will say something in anger i don't mean, so i don't speak. i know that something i would say would just make the situation worse, so i shut up. but it got to the point where anything i would say would be hurtful, so i didn't speak for a while. she said i can't be angry for a long time, and what id be feeling after it passed. first thought that came to mind i that I've been angry at my dad for at least 9 months (actually way longer, but it'll do for example) so who was she to tell me it'll soon pass? i only slept for a few hours last night, and am guessing that'll continue for a while. she did leave some odds and ends around the apartment that ill probably mail back to her soon, with a letter to explain myself. i remember telling her in like october that WE couldn't be ok until i was ok. and i think that was the root of it all. i wanted to be ok, and we were doing better for a while. but i wasn't ok, and it sabotaged everything. she was angry that i wouldn't fight for it...but what she hadn't seen was that i was. if i hadn't been this would've ended a long time ago. i thought she would've fought harder than she did. i thought that she would've told me she wasn't leaving when she asked me if i wanted her to go and i didn't answer. i thought she would've not gotten on that flight, turned around and taken a cab back here. so i have some work to do on myself now, and some time and space to do it. thats probably another reason i didn't stop her. theres two ways i could go from here: self destructive spiral, or working and getting myself better. i wouldn't want her around for the first option, and i don't think the second option could happen with our old living situation. plus, she talked about her goals and how she couldn't accomplish them here. so now i guess we see if she really has the drive to do these things or if it was all bullshit. the biggest reason that this happened is because i was with her more because i was afraid of being without her than anything else. i need to stop being afraid. fear is no reason to continue a relationship. i think she felt that in some degree too, but she’d never admit it to me. all in all, i feel like shit. i just dumped my best friend and sent her a quarter world away. and i did it in the most cowardly way possible. and while i feel bad about it, i don't feel nearly as bad as i think i should. almost like i was doing her a favor, the sensible thing she would never do herself; and while it hurts now, inevitably it would have happened, and time would've just made the pain worse. so what now?