And I'm an idiot.

So I called. I know I shouldn't have, I hung the phone up after the first ring. I need to stop thinking short term. I need to start thinking about what's best for both of us in the long term, and let her let this go. I know she thinks I don't care about her anymore, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. But I can't tell her that because then she'll never let go. I had a dream last night, which is surprising since I havent slept much. It wasn't about her per se, but in a kind of abstract way I guess it was. It was somewhere up north, in winter. Doing things I'd probably never do like hunting and living in a log cabin. Talking to people (none that I'd recognize from my life, which was kinda weird). Nothing really happened in the dream, but I do remember a conversation to someone about her. And during that conversation the barren, bleak winter landscape didn't look so bad. I think it was the only point where I may have smiled? Was almost late to work today again. I haven't eaten meal since her birthday. Got her text this am asking if I had called. I know now she probably hates me. If she doesn't then her parents def do, and her friends too. At least she's surrounded by them... All I've got is a couple of cats. Dave said he saw on fb and asked if it was just drama...I told him it wasn't. He looked...sorry for me? He never did that when we lived together...save when I told him why I went on emergency leave. This is what will make it easier for her...to be surrounded by people she loves telling her how horrible I am. She'll resist it at first, but then she'll start believing it. Even though I know this is for the best it doesn't make it any easier. Do I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her? Sure, but I'm too big of a pussy. The damage is done.