I'm a dick

(originally written on Oct. 4, ~ 1am)

That's right, a dick.

Asshole, prick, son of a bitch, et. al.

I took something and squandered it, and now I feel like all of those horrible things I said I am.

But she's great. Understanding (well maybe not, since it's un-understandable. But she tries). Compassionate. Loving. Forgiving (again, she's trying). She's the best person I've ever known.

She's not dealing with it well. And it's the part of what she's having problems with dealing with that's the toughest. It's not the cheating, or the act itself, or that it was more than once…but that I lied about it.

And lie, I did. I concocted up one of my more fantastic lines of bullshit. And she bought it…hook, line and sinker.

But as trusting as she was, I had done enough to leave her with enough doubt to be curious. And we all know that curiosity killed the cat, or in this case, her trust in me.

So as I spent a couple of weeks at sea, she dug. It wasn't tough, because in all honesty, I hadn't tried to hide it. It must have seemed like the most arrogant shit ever. She dealt with finding all of this out while I was out of touch with her, but I knew something was wrong since she didn't try to get in touch with me about any of it.

So I got home after 2 weeks with some really bad news. And she was just willing to not bring it up at all. But I insisted on her telling me, which as bad as it sucked at the time, was probably better. She had really done her homework. There was no damage control, she had the facts. But she allowed me to deal with my stuff, and was nothing but supportive. She's back in NY with me now. She comes and sees me when I just need to get out of the house and talk. We've been dealing with this as it comes, and she doesn't really want to discuss it and bring it to the forefront with all that I've had to be dealing with. And time and time again, I tell her, "If you can't do this right now, because of what's happened, I understand.". But she refuses, not because I think she wants to, but because she doesn't want to see me like this, and wants to be there for me.

Now in the grand scheme, was I really being serious about having here come out and live with me all this time, with this other stuff going on? I'd like to think so. But as much as she tells me that she doesn't feel like she knows me anymore and can't trust what I say, I feel like I'm having that same crisis.

So about the cheating: It was stupid. It was childish. It wasn't to replace her, or to give me something that she couldn't. I was scared, scared of how serious we were becoming, of how official it was…The things I did were strictly physical. The was no emotion behind the act at all, to the point where I felt sick at myself for it. And then the guilt, oh the guilt. The guilt that it was happening, of what I was doing to our relationship, and the worst, was that as guilty as I felt, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I guess, subconsciously, I wanted her to find out. Otherwise, I would've done a better job trying to cover my tracks. Even she'll tell you, it wasn't difficult to discover my deception once she wanted to look for it.

Why would you throw away the one thing you want? Excitement, knowing that you were getting away with something you shouldn't be doing? Power, like the power to ruin everything at the drop of a hat. Greed? Jealousy? Revenge? Even I don't know why, which is the part that bothers me the most. Regardless of what happens between us, the fact that I was able to do what I did and break that trust, destroy that bond, will never leave me. If she gives me the chance, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to get that back, whether we're romantically involved or not. We were friends first, and I'm happy to say she is my best friend. If we can't be together, I couldn't imagine losing her as a friend too.

So now, due to my other circumstances, I'll be introducing her to my extended family. And every time I do, in the back of my mind I'll be thinking "Oh yeah, this is my girlfriend, you know the one, I shattered her heart into a million little pieces and that took a big shit on it". But it'll probably just come out as, "Hi, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend Amanda. I really wish I could be introducing you under better circumstances, but she's a really sweet, amazing girl that's been there for me through all of this." And I could just imagine what'll be running through her mind every time I say it, too.

She, for some reason, has agreed to return to Hawaii with me. She keeps telling me that we can worry about this later, that she'll see it through until then. I don't want her to have to wait. I've realized that we don't have the time in this life to wait. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but life really is too short for petty things; not that I'm saying that this is petty. But if you love someone, if you really care, you need to let them know, and do what you can to show it. Because one day, you won't be able to anymore. So I'm not going to dwell on her or my mistakes or shortcomings anymore. I will work on some of mine, and I'm sure she'll have questions about those as well. I'm going to be brutally honest with her about them. It might not be what she wants to hear, but she needs to hear it, and she deserves it. I know that I said to her before that if she came out and things went well, I was a dead man (bad time for that pun, huh?). But if we can find a way to get through this together, and I know it won't be all unicorns and rainbows either, then it's game over for me. This girl is too important for anything else in my life to get in the way of me being with her. Not my own stupid problems, my job, my pride, or my secrets (none left now, she's found or made me tell her all of them). And I'll be spending a long time, maybe the rest of my life, trying to undo the damage I've done. I'm not perfect, and neither is she, but damn, we felt perfect together. I see glimpses of it already, or maybe its just what I want to see. A dirty joke or reference with a sly smile, or the way that she holds my hand. The fact that I run down the block in a dead sprint after seeing her driving away crying, not able to make it home. The chuckles through the tears. Maybe I'm wishing too hard, but I know you can't put a value on what she feels for me, and I won't ever be able to give up on or let go of that.