...and I threw us into the flames.
Well, tonight went OK. The expected issues were...well expected. Got to show Amanda a bunch of family photos, that was pretty cool actually. Not that I like to be sentimental, but I guess with her, it's different. I mean, i did have her wearing my dog tag forever; and i still wear her hair ties on my arm.
But she left my dog tag in Hawaii...I don't think she realized how much that bothered me. Like an affirmation to me (albeit a silent one) that she wasn't going to be needing it anymore.
I don't know how right she might be, but I think I'm really pushing these issues aside and not really dealing with these issues right now, since me and her are not okay (my words, not hers...since she won't hardly talk about it) I don't mean to sound awfully cold, but that's the way this is going to come across: My dad made his choice, I can't sit here and dwell on it, and wonder for the rest of my life for answers that I'll never get. I can worry about my future. I already know what I want, what I need. I don't know how to get there though. I think we really want to pick up these pieces and move forward, but I don't think either of us know where to start. This deployment is just going to make it worse...I mean, we're not going to be able to work through our issues, and what if something happens while I'm gone? I know she said she'd tell me right away, but that's not going to make it any easier to deal with, and it makes me think it'll be easier to distance herself from me, unlike what happened last time...she really tried, and forgiveness wasn't expected. That said, what I did was a different level, and I am in no way trying to compare the two.
I feel like I need to talk to my mom about this one. She couldn't believe I would, but I think as long as I avoid the specifics, it might help. Of course, I think her response might be clouded by recent events. But this is THAT important to me.
I, I, I...seems like I think it's always about me. After tonight, we came home and Amanda fell asleep in my arms (and I mean asleep, I have the drool stain on my sweatshirt to prove it), and that's been the happiest I've been in weeks, knowing she was safe, with me, peaceful. Of course as soon as she woke she wanted to put me to bed so she could leave, but she smiled a few times, and her smile is what gives me hope for this. If she's faking it, she's more convincing than I though, but I hope she isn't. I just want her to be happy, even if that ends up not being with me.
This would be much easier to deal with if 1) I never did any of the shit I did, and we were OK before I got the news, or 2) She just called it off, dumped me on the spot, and that was the end of it. The place we are right now, while the best option considering I was an ass and fucked up, makes me feel I'm in this strange sort of limbo (i think she feels something similar too).
So there's a letter she wrote me, about what's happened, her feelings, etc. She won't talk about it, or anything about the situation to me, right now. This makes me fear it and be very impatient to get it at the same time...I hate to say it, like when Aly came down to the pier to tell me about dad...I knew it was bad news but the walk to get away from the crowd so she could tell me made the news, made the worse than imagined news even worse.
I know me and her are not going to be even close to where we were before anytime soon, if ever. Sexually, I don't even know if I'm allowed to think about that for what, months, years? I can go without for as long as she needs (and I'm sure it will be a WHILE), but I don't want it to add another layer of...frustration? stress? friction? between us. I'd like us to be able to spend a day where something doesn't trigger her to step away cause she can't take it, something that triggers tears, that we can sleep through the night in the same bed again.
I want to know what she wants from me. I know, call if I need anything (not in the middle of the night, I can suffer through it till tomorrow). She's so selfless, almost to a fault, to the point where I can't think it's healthy. We haven't had any real separation during this...which may be a part of this letter business, following which there will be a 2-3 day "stew" period...but obviously things aren't going to be magically better afterward, which will be like 2 days before we fly back to Hawaii.
I guess the best way I can describe how I feel is like an empty shell...I'm still here, but just that, I'm JUST here. The only times I really feel anything is when she's around, and when she isn't, it's just numbness. Or waiting for her to call, or when I'll see her next. And then when I'm with her, it's so much emotion: Sadness, shame, regret, hope, love, longing, frustration, anger (at self), fear, melancholy...I think the only reason I can sleep when I'm away from her is the rush of emotion that I feel when she is here is fatiguing. I miss her.
Now listening to this Adele album after downloading in her car since she recommended it...on repeat...for the last two days...good music, but not helping...
No comments:
Post a Comment