Today was tough. Went to dad's job to turn in his laptop, and speak to one of his co-workers. Couldn't sleep last night.
In the diner, another group mentioned something sensitive, and Amanda was all over it.
Met her friends, they're all very nice. She's lucky to have them, but then again, in my opinion, they are all way luckier to have her.
Went through my email today. It actually made me physically sick. I still feel like i could puke at any moment, and i haven't eaten since last night since we were at the diner.
She called me this morning to make sure I got my ass out of bed, but nothing since then.
I wish she could just tell me how to make it better, but we both know there's no simple fix. She's a good woman, but I don't know if she'll ever be able to...i don't know...we need to get past this. I don't think we'll ever get over it, or it will be forgiven, etc. But we need to move forward. If that means she's going to snoop through my email, through my phone, that she needs to know where I am every second of the day; I'll do that, and be grateful for it But I don't think it'll be enough for her. I think she'll always look at me, not matter if we can move past it, with suspicion. It doesn't matter how much of what I told her was true, and how much of it was me...only the lies and deceit matter to her now. It is all she sees. I want to tell her family, her friends, everyone; how bad I fucked up and how big a mistake it was. How bad I need to be able to try to make it up to her, whether or not it's possible, I need to know, as bad as she does, to know that I gave this everything I had, tried as had as I possibly could.
My head is literally spinning not hearing from her.
I went through and canceled all of those accounts. I'm sure that if she wants, she'll see those in my email.
I guess now I can see how it be easier to just want to escape the pain. It makes me much less angry and confused at him, but makes me more lost now than ever.
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