Off

So I don't know, I've just been...off lately, I guess.

All these things are just hitting me at once. This whole thing has just kinda shown me how juvenile and unprepared I am, still. I mean I know what I want, and I know most of what I need to get there, but...it's like I just can't DO them.

And then there's all this raw emotion that I've been building up...i don't know. When I first got the news, it was just so overwhelming, there was no way I could hold it back. Now, that it's had time to stew...I guess I'm just so used to burying emotion, making myself numb, forcing myself not to think about it. It's like reflex. I don't think Amanda could ever understand, and I don't understand the mechanics of it...but I remember when I was a kid, whenever my dad would start yelling at me for breaking something or fucking something up...I dunno, i'd just zone out. I'd stare at the wall and just go off into a different world...cause my dad would try to make me feel so bad I would never do it again (which wasn't wrong), but I never wanted to hear it. I didn't want to be the fuck up, to earn his disapproval, etc. So ignoring him (and the guilt trip) made it easier for me to deal with, at least temporarily. And I still do the same thing now, without having to stare at a wall. It's like my brain sees this emotional wreck, and it just turns that part of it off...and it gets turned back on randomly, usually at the wrong times.

I feel like every part of my life is just shit right now. As much as I had issues with dad, they'll now never be resolved. He'll never know how I felt. Even though we didn't see eye to eye...he was still my dad. And then the person that I know wants to be there for me...I can't in good conscience ask her to do it. I feel like I'm pushing her away, and I don't want to. I don't want to be a soppy mess, but I can't keep shutting my emotions off like this. It's what got me into ALL of this trouble.

The uncertainty and fragility of this all...it just makes me feel helpless. Maybe when I can get back to work, where I'm always busy and needed, it'll make me feel better, but it'll only be because I'm too busy to deal with it.

I don't think I'll ever be the same. I just have this horrible notion that I'm going to fall into this depressed spiral, pushing everyone away, making it easier and possibly putting myself into the position that dad did. All he had to do was just call me, my sister, talk to my mom, friends...WTF! I mean we all had issues with him, but it didn't need to be like this.

I keep going through images in my head...me, him, and grandpa playing pool in his basement every thursday night, or going to model train shows with my grandpa, etc...he stole that from me and, who knows, hopefully one day, my kids. It would've been different if it was an accident, or if he was sick, etc. I never knew him to be a coward, and if anything, he was an anal retentive and methodical SOB till the end. But any anger I might feel is immediately tempered by sadnesses and regret. What if I would've called him before we went out to sea? Just to say, "Hey dad, sorry I've been out of touch for so long, miss you, hope everything's OK". Just me or my sister probably wouldn't have made a difference, but if we both did...I don't know. I didn't think I wanted to talk to him, but now I'm full of stuff that wasn't said.

And the sad thing is, if this wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't be here right now, I'm sure Amanda would've come back here, and I'd be in almost the same situation, with a father who thought I was dead to him already. I know she's stubborn too, she wants this to work, but every time I look at her I just imagine all the thoughts racing through her head, the disgust I know she feels toward me, and she still puts herself in that situation. She keeps telling me bottling all this emotion up doesn't help, and then she does it. She says dealing with it now won't help, but I think this is only going to make it worse.

Anyway, I need to be up in 3 hours, so I'll lay down until then I guess...