And I'm an idiot.

So I called. I know I shouldn't have, I hung the phone up after the first ring. I need to stop thinking short term. I need to start thinking about what's best for both of us in the long term, and let her let this go. I know she thinks I don't care about her anymore, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. But I can't tell her that because then she'll never let go. I had a dream last night, which is surprising since I havent slept much. It wasn't about her per se, but in a kind of abstract way I guess it was. It was somewhere up north, in winter. Doing things I'd probably never do like hunting and living in a log cabin. Talking to people (none that I'd recognize from my life, which was kinda weird). Nothing really happened in the dream, but I do remember a conversation to someone about her. And during that conversation the barren, bleak winter landscape didn't look so bad. I think it was the only point where I may have smiled? Was almost late to work today again. I haven't eaten meal since her birthday. Got her text this am asking if I had called. I know now she probably hates me. If she doesn't then her parents def do, and her friends too. At least she's surrounded by them... All I've got is a couple of cats. Dave said he saw on fb and asked if it was just drama...I told him it wasn't. He looked...sorry for me? He never did that when we lived together...save when I told him why I went on emergency leave. This is what will make it easier for her...to be surrounded by people she loves telling her how horrible I am. She'll resist it at first, but then she'll start believing it. Even though I know this is for the best it doesn't make it any easier. Do I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her? Sure, but I'm too big of a pussy. The damage is done.

With or without you.

so its been 24 hours since i got home from dropping amanda off at the airport. numb is the closest approximation to what i feel. changed Facebook relationship status, unfriended her. she texted me before her flight left apologizing for taking the money i said i would give her when she left. i had moved it so she would've at least asked me for it. i was mad for a little while, not that she had taken it, just about everything...i didn't even say goodbye before i left, just walked away. had the chance to say goodbye but didn't, where 9 months ago i was angry i didn't have a chance... maybe she thinks i really don't care. this house feels so empty without her here...its been quiet all day, the cats are acting weird. i wonder when the neighbors are going to start asking where she is, thats not a discussion i want to have. I'm going to have to call her at some point to have her contact the rental office to have her name taken off of the lease, if only to save the utility money. while it was strange and depressing here at home, at the same time...there is no tension. not expecting a billion questions that i can't answer when i get home, not waiting for her to freak out about something new. her theory about what is wrong with me was gnawing at me. i looked it up, and by her perspective, i would say she's right. but psychological diagnoses are kinda bs, since 99% of the population could be diagnosed with something. my silence is because i know that i will say something in anger i don't mean, so i don't speak. i know that something i would say would just make the situation worse, so i shut up. but it got to the point where anything i would say would be hurtful, so i didn't speak for a while. she said i can't be angry for a long time, and what id be feeling after it passed. first thought that came to mind i that I've been angry at my dad for at least 9 months (actually way longer, but it'll do for example) so who was she to tell me it'll soon pass? i only slept for a few hours last night, and am guessing that'll continue for a while. she did leave some odds and ends around the apartment that ill probably mail back to her soon, with a letter to explain myself. i remember telling her in like october that WE couldn't be ok until i was ok. and i think that was the root of it all. i wanted to be ok, and we were doing better for a while. but i wasn't ok, and it sabotaged everything. she was angry that i wouldn't fight for it...but what she hadn't seen was that i was. if i hadn't been this would've ended a long time ago. i thought she would've fought harder than she did. i thought that she would've told me she wasn't leaving when she asked me if i wanted her to go and i didn't answer. i thought she would've not gotten on that flight, turned around and taken a cab back here. so i have some work to do on myself now, and some time and space to do it. thats probably another reason i didn't stop her. theres two ways i could go from here: self destructive spiral, or working and getting myself better. i wouldn't want her around for the first option, and i don't think the second option could happen with our old living situation. plus, she talked about her goals and how she couldn't accomplish them here. so now i guess we see if she really has the drive to do these things or if it was all bullshit. the biggest reason that this happened is because i was with her more because i was afraid of being without her than anything else. i need to stop being afraid. fear is no reason to continue a relationship. i think she felt that in some degree too, but she’d never admit it to me. all in all, i feel like shit. i just dumped my best friend and sent her a quarter world away. and i did it in the most cowardly way possible. and while i feel bad about it, i don't feel nearly as bad as i think i should. almost like i was doing her a favor, the sensible thing she would never do herself; and while it hurts now, inevitably it would have happened, and time would've just made the pain worse. so what now?

I did it again...

...so I forgot about dinner plans. In my defense, I'm getting shit sprung on me from 7 different directions...mom needed me to do stuff today, my uncle called cause he wanted to visit before I left, my other uncle wants to see me tomorrow afternoon, work is blowing up my phone, i'm trying to get everything together before we go back, things between US still aren't...how do I say this...progressing seems to be the right word. Everytime it seems to be I fuck something up.

....or is the bigger problem something else. Memory loss? I mean, I figured that some of what I experienced after my episode was...normal? But now I'm noticing I can't remember some details of certain things. I don't know if it's short or long term, but the more I think about it, the more...scared of it I am. And what do I tell her? I'm sure she'll just think it's more bullshit, but if I don't tell her, she'll be pissed that I didn't tell her...I can't do right by her. She's the only reason I've been able to deal with this whole shit sandwich, and when (it seems) she finally has enough and leaves me, I don't know what i'll do. I don't know if she knows how much I take EVERYTHING she says to heart, and I've got 8 pages of how I'm shit and worthless that I am, and I've been dwelling on that for a while now...if that's how she really feels about me and I can't change it, I don't even know why she's trying.

I'm getting too worked up and frustrated to write about this anymore...

Off

So I don't know, I've just been...off lately, I guess.

All these things are just hitting me at once. This whole thing has just kinda shown me how juvenile and unprepared I am, still. I mean I know what I want, and I know most of what I need to get there, but...it's like I just can't DO them.

And then there's all this raw emotion that I've been building up...i don't know. When I first got the news, it was just so overwhelming, there was no way I could hold it back. Now, that it's had time to stew...I guess I'm just so used to burying emotion, making myself numb, forcing myself not to think about it. It's like reflex. I don't think Amanda could ever understand, and I don't understand the mechanics of it...but I remember when I was a kid, whenever my dad would start yelling at me for breaking something or fucking something up...I dunno, i'd just zone out. I'd stare at the wall and just go off into a different world...cause my dad would try to make me feel so bad I would never do it again (which wasn't wrong), but I never wanted to hear it. I didn't want to be the fuck up, to earn his disapproval, etc. So ignoring him (and the guilt trip) made it easier for me to deal with, at least temporarily. And I still do the same thing now, without having to stare at a wall. It's like my brain sees this emotional wreck, and it just turns that part of it off...and it gets turned back on randomly, usually at the wrong times.

I feel like every part of my life is just shit right now. As much as I had issues with dad, they'll now never be resolved. He'll never know how I felt. Even though we didn't see eye to eye...he was still my dad. And then the person that I know wants to be there for me...I can't in good conscience ask her to do it. I feel like I'm pushing her away, and I don't want to. I don't want to be a soppy mess, but I can't keep shutting my emotions off like this. It's what got me into ALL of this trouble.

The uncertainty and fragility of this all...it just makes me feel helpless. Maybe when I can get back to work, where I'm always busy and needed, it'll make me feel better, but it'll only be because I'm too busy to deal with it.

I don't think I'll ever be the same. I just have this horrible notion that I'm going to fall into this depressed spiral, pushing everyone away, making it easier and possibly putting myself into the position that dad did. All he had to do was just call me, my sister, talk to my mom, friends...WTF! I mean we all had issues with him, but it didn't need to be like this.

I keep going through images in my head...me, him, and grandpa playing pool in his basement every thursday night, or going to model train shows with my grandpa, etc...he stole that from me and, who knows, hopefully one day, my kids. It would've been different if it was an accident, or if he was sick, etc. I never knew him to be a coward, and if anything, he was an anal retentive and methodical SOB till the end. But any anger I might feel is immediately tempered by sadnesses and regret. What if I would've called him before we went out to sea? Just to say, "Hey dad, sorry I've been out of touch for so long, miss you, hope everything's OK". Just me or my sister probably wouldn't have made a difference, but if we both did...I don't know. I didn't think I wanted to talk to him, but now I'm full of stuff that wasn't said.

And the sad thing is, if this wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't be here right now, I'm sure Amanda would've come back here, and I'd be in almost the same situation, with a father who thought I was dead to him already. I know she's stubborn too, she wants this to work, but every time I look at her I just imagine all the thoughts racing through her head, the disgust I know she feels toward me, and she still puts herself in that situation. She keeps telling me bottling all this emotion up doesn't help, and then she does it. She says dealing with it now won't help, but I think this is only going to make it worse.

Anyway, I need to be up in 3 hours, so I'll lay down until then I guess...

Set fire to the rain...

...and I threw us into the flames.

Well, tonight went OK. The expected issues were...well expected. Got to show Amanda a bunch of family photos, that was pretty cool actually. Not that I like to be sentimental, but I guess with her, it's different. I mean, i did have her wearing my dog tag forever; and i still wear her hair ties on my arm.

But she left my dog tag in Hawaii...I don't think she realized how much that bothered me. Like an affirmation to me (albeit a silent one) that she wasn't going to be needing it anymore.

I don't know how right she might be, but I think I'm really pushing these issues aside and not really dealing with these issues right now, since me and her are not okay (my words, not hers...since she won't hardly talk about it) I don't mean to sound awfully cold, but that's the way this is going to come across: My dad made his choice, I can't sit here and dwell on it, and wonder for the rest of my life for answers that I'll never get. I can worry about my future. I already know what I want, what I need. I don't know how to get there though. I think we really want to pick up these pieces and move forward, but I don't think either of us know where to start. This deployment is just going to make it worse...I mean, we're not going to be able to work through our issues, and what if something happens while I'm gone? I know she said she'd tell me right away, but that's not going to make it any easier to deal with, and it makes me think it'll be easier to distance herself from me, unlike what happened last time...she really tried, and forgiveness wasn't expected. That said, what I did was a different level, and I am in no way trying to compare the two.

I feel like I need to talk to my mom about this one. She couldn't believe I would, but I think as long as I avoid the specifics, it might help. Of course, I think her response might be clouded by recent events. But this is THAT important to me.

I, I, I...seems like I think it's always about me. After tonight, we came home and Amanda fell asleep in my arms (and I mean asleep, I have the drool stain on my sweatshirt to prove it), and that's been the happiest I've been in weeks, knowing she was safe, with me, peaceful. Of course as soon as she woke she wanted to put me to bed so she could leave, but she smiled a few times, and her smile is what gives me hope for this. If she's faking it, she's more convincing than I though, but I hope she isn't. I just want her to be happy, even if that ends up not being with me.

This would be much easier to deal with if 1) I never did any of the shit I did, and we were OK before I got the news, or 2) She just called it off, dumped me on the spot, and that was the end of it. The place we are right now, while the best option considering I was an ass and fucked up, makes me feel I'm in this strange sort of limbo (i think she feels something similar too).

So there's a letter she wrote me, about what's happened, her feelings, etc. She won't talk about it, or anything about the situation to me, right now. This makes me fear it and be very impatient to get it at the same time...I hate to say it, like when Aly came down to the pier to tell me about dad...I knew it was bad news but the walk to get away from the crowd so she could tell me made the news, made the worse than imagined news even worse.

I know me and her are not going to be even close to where we were before anytime soon, if ever. Sexually, I don't even know if I'm allowed to think about that for what, months, years? I can go without for as long as she needs (and I'm sure it will be a WHILE), but I don't want it to add another layer of...frustration? stress? friction? between us. I'd like us to be able to spend a day where something doesn't trigger her to step away cause she can't take it, something that triggers tears, that we can sleep through the night in the same bed again.

I want to know what she wants from me. I know, call if I need anything (not in the middle of the night, I can suffer through it till tomorrow). She's so selfless, almost to a fault, to the point where I can't think it's healthy. We haven't had any real separation during this...which may be a part of this letter business, following which there will be a 2-3 day "stew" period...but obviously things aren't going to be magically better afterward, which will be like 2 days before we fly back to Hawaii.

I guess the best way I can describe how I feel is like an empty shell...I'm still here, but just that, I'm JUST here. The only times I really feel anything is when she's around, and when she isn't, it's just numbness. Or waiting for her to call, or when I'll see her next. And then when I'm with her, it's so much emotion: Sadness, shame, regret, hope, love, longing, frustration, anger (at self), fear, melancholy...I think the only reason I can sleep when I'm away from her is the rush of emotion that I feel when she is here is fatiguing. I miss her.

Now listening to this Adele album after downloading in her car since she recommended it...on repeat...for the last two days...good music, but not helping...

This is hard for the both of us...

Today was tough. Went to dad's job to turn in his laptop, and speak to one of his co-workers. Couldn't sleep last night.

In the diner, another group mentioned something sensitive, and Amanda was all over it.

Met her friends, they're all very nice. She's lucky to have them, but then again, in my opinion, they are all way luckier to have her.

Went through my email today. It actually made me physically sick. I still feel like i could puke at any moment, and i haven't eaten since last night since we were at the diner.

She called me this morning to make sure I got my ass out of bed, but nothing since then.

I wish she could just tell me how to make it better, but we both know there's no simple fix. She's a good woman, but I don't know if she'll ever be able to...i don't know...we need to get past this. I don't think we'll ever get over it, or it will be forgiven, etc. But we need to move forward. If that means she's going to snoop through my email, through my phone, that she needs to know where I am every second of the day; I'll do that, and be grateful for it But I don't think it'll be enough for her. I think she'll always look at me, not matter if we can move past it, with suspicion. It doesn't matter how much of what I told her was true, and how much of it was me...only the lies and deceit matter to her now. It is all she sees. I want to tell her family, her friends, everyone; how bad I fucked up and how big a mistake it was. How bad I need to be able to try to make it up to her, whether or not it's possible, I need to know, as bad as she does, to know that I gave this everything I had, tried as had as I possibly could.

My head is literally spinning not hearing from her.

I went through and canceled all of those accounts. I'm sure that if she wants, she'll see those in my email.

I guess now I can see how it be easier to just want to escape the pain. It makes me much less angry and confused at him, but makes me more lost now than ever.

I'm a dick

(originally written on Oct. 4, ~ 1am)

That's right, a dick.

Asshole, prick, son of a bitch, et. al.

I took something and squandered it, and now I feel like all of those horrible things I said I am.

But she's great. Understanding (well maybe not, since it's un-understandable. But she tries). Compassionate. Loving. Forgiving (again, she's trying). She's the best person I've ever known.

She's not dealing with it well. And it's the part of what she's having problems with dealing with that's the toughest. It's not the cheating, or the act itself, or that it was more than once…but that I lied about it.

And lie, I did. I concocted up one of my more fantastic lines of bullshit. And she bought it…hook, line and sinker.

But as trusting as she was, I had done enough to leave her with enough doubt to be curious. And we all know that curiosity killed the cat, or in this case, her trust in me.

So as I spent a couple of weeks at sea, she dug. It wasn't tough, because in all honesty, I hadn't tried to hide it. It must have seemed like the most arrogant shit ever. She dealt with finding all of this out while I was out of touch with her, but I knew something was wrong since she didn't try to get in touch with me about any of it.

So I got home after 2 weeks with some really bad news. And she was just willing to not bring it up at all. But I insisted on her telling me, which as bad as it sucked at the time, was probably better. She had really done her homework. There was no damage control, she had the facts. But she allowed me to deal with my stuff, and was nothing but supportive. She's back in NY with me now. She comes and sees me when I just need to get out of the house and talk. We've been dealing with this as it comes, and she doesn't really want to discuss it and bring it to the forefront with all that I've had to be dealing with. And time and time again, I tell her, "If you can't do this right now, because of what's happened, I understand.". But she refuses, not because I think she wants to, but because she doesn't want to see me like this, and wants to be there for me.

Now in the grand scheme, was I really being serious about having here come out and live with me all this time, with this other stuff going on? I'd like to think so. But as much as she tells me that she doesn't feel like she knows me anymore and can't trust what I say, I feel like I'm having that same crisis.

So about the cheating: It was stupid. It was childish. It wasn't to replace her, or to give me something that she couldn't. I was scared, scared of how serious we were becoming, of how official it was…The things I did were strictly physical. The was no emotion behind the act at all, to the point where I felt sick at myself for it. And then the guilt, oh the guilt. The guilt that it was happening, of what I was doing to our relationship, and the worst, was that as guilty as I felt, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I guess, subconsciously, I wanted her to find out. Otherwise, I would've done a better job trying to cover my tracks. Even she'll tell you, it wasn't difficult to discover my deception once she wanted to look for it.

Why would you throw away the one thing you want? Excitement, knowing that you were getting away with something you shouldn't be doing? Power, like the power to ruin everything at the drop of a hat. Greed? Jealousy? Revenge? Even I don't know why, which is the part that bothers me the most. Regardless of what happens between us, the fact that I was able to do what I did and break that trust, destroy that bond, will never leave me. If she gives me the chance, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to get that back, whether we're romantically involved or not. We were friends first, and I'm happy to say she is my best friend. If we can't be together, I couldn't imagine losing her as a friend too.

So now, due to my other circumstances, I'll be introducing her to my extended family. And every time I do, in the back of my mind I'll be thinking "Oh yeah, this is my girlfriend, you know the one, I shattered her heart into a million little pieces and that took a big shit on it". But it'll probably just come out as, "Hi, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend Amanda. I really wish I could be introducing you under better circumstances, but she's a really sweet, amazing girl that's been there for me through all of this." And I could just imagine what'll be running through her mind every time I say it, too.

She, for some reason, has agreed to return to Hawaii with me. She keeps telling me that we can worry about this later, that she'll see it through until then. I don't want her to have to wait. I've realized that we don't have the time in this life to wait. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but life really is too short for petty things; not that I'm saying that this is petty. But if you love someone, if you really care, you need to let them know, and do what you can to show it. Because one day, you won't be able to anymore. So I'm not going to dwell on her or my mistakes or shortcomings anymore. I will work on some of mine, and I'm sure she'll have questions about those as well. I'm going to be brutally honest with her about them. It might not be what she wants to hear, but she needs to hear it, and she deserves it. I know that I said to her before that if she came out and things went well, I was a dead man (bad time for that pun, huh?). But if we can find a way to get through this together, and I know it won't be all unicorns and rainbows either, then it's game over for me. This girl is too important for anything else in my life to get in the way of me being with her. Not my own stupid problems, my job, my pride, or my secrets (none left now, she's found or made me tell her all of them). And I'll be spending a long time, maybe the rest of my life, trying to undo the damage I've done. I'm not perfect, and neither is she, but damn, we felt perfect together. I see glimpses of it already, or maybe its just what I want to see. A dirty joke or reference with a sly smile, or the way that she holds my hand. The fact that I run down the block in a dead sprint after seeing her driving away crying, not able to make it home. The chuckles through the tears. Maybe I'm wishing too hard, but I know you can't put a value on what she feels for me, and I won't ever be able to give up on or let go of that.